„Confession” My first English story, especially for my English Friends

MAGDA KACZMARCZYK

AS

MAGGIE G. MALONE

PRESENTS

CONFESSION”

THE EXTRAORDINARY STORY IN THE ORDINARY LIFE

My name is Ann and this is my true story. It began when I was born… no, no, no, earlier, before I was born. Do you believe in life after death?

Yes, I know, it’s a very difficult question. I didn’t believe, but one day I went there and believed. I’ll tell you about this later, as it is very important for my life. Okay, so my birth… I was born in an average, English family, we lived in small town near London. My mother was a headteacher in a nursery, my father worked in a private company. I was the first child for my parents and the first granddaughter, so everybody was very happy. I was smiling, black-haired girl with a big brown eyes. When I was nine, my mum gave birth to my sister and I became a babysitter. My childhood was ended. Everybody told me that if I wanted to have a sister, I had to look after her. I don’t remember that I wanted a sister… I was really happy alone. But this wasn’t the worst. Two years later we were moving into a village, 10 miles from my town. I knew nobody there, I was very lonely. My father lost his job and we didn’t have a lot of money. A new house, which my parents were building for a few years, new place, no money and a stupid, little sister Daisy, who I still had to look after. I was very, very unhappy and angry. My parents decided that I should stay at my old school… so I went to a school which was 10 miles away, and all my friends lived in this area. I couldn’t go to my best friend Lucy on Saturdays because I lived too far away, and I had to help mother to look after my sister. My father was tired all the time and he couldn’t drop me at my friends… we had a car but the petrol was only for going to work. Even, when my father found a job, he was tired and had to do nothing in the home… only bring a wage. In my opinion it was very unfair. My life became a nightmare. Every holiday I was at home, looking after Daisy and helping my mum. I hated my life. In my mother’s opinion I should be happy that we were together and that we had beautiful house.

I’m sorry that I’m telling you this long story, but it’s very important to understand my subsequent behaviour.

Anyway, I loved music and my dream was playing the guitar. Unfortunately, in our village no one taught the guitar. When I went to secondary school, (in the town because in the village there was only a primary school) I found a private musical school where I could learn to play the guitar and it was very cheap. I told my mum about this, but she had a lot of problems with this. First of all, I didn’t have a guitar so she had to buy one and pay for my lessons. She wasn’t sure it was my real interest, or just a temporary idea so, finally couldn’t invest the money in my frills. The second problem was that I should go there in the afternoon and then someone had to take me home, especially in autumn and winter, when it was dark from early afternoon. Obviously, my father was tired, my mother didn’t have a driving licence so I should give up… it’s clear. I was thirteen and I was fed up. I hated my mother, my father and my sister… I wanted to die. When I thought about this the first time, this idea started to develop in my mind. I gave up with everything, I was like a robot… because I had a plan… a plan to end my life. I was a child, a very angry and lonely child. In school I was very polite, so no one knew, what idea was in my head. The 22 of May was my fourteenth birthday. My mum organized a party… not with my friends, but with my grandparents and extended family. That day I was very happy because they gave me money. I could buy a guitar! When I told my mum she replied, that I could buy a guitar but I couldn’t go to my dream school… maybe next year… It was too much for me. For the first time I felt that I could kill my mother… but I wasn’t so brave. I decided to kill myself… but how? I knew that my mother had tablets… very strong tablets for her heart (she had high blood pressure). The night, after my birthday, I took a few of them… seven, maybe eight and swallowed. I was fed up my life, my family, I really wanted to die. I went to my room and lay on my bed. I imagined that I fell asleep and never woke up. At this time I felt very happy, with no fear, no pangs of conscience, no anger. I knew, it was good decision. Unfortunately, a few minutes later I started to vomit so violently that I thought, I threw my stomach and my liver by my throat. My mum knocked on the bathroom door and asked what was up? I told her that I ate too much and everything was okay. She went to sleep and I stayed alone. I went back to my room and cried all night. I was hopeless, I couldn’t even kill myself! Finally, I fell asleep in the morning. I had a dream. I didn’t remember what I was dreaming but I knew it was very important. I remembered only a man’s voice who told me very softly: “I’ll help you.” Next day I felt bad, I was tired but happy… I didn’t know why.

On Monday I went to school and after this I went to Poundland. I was still happy and I felt that someone was in my mind… it was very strange but nice… I wasn’t so lonely. Okay, so in this Poundland I bought a knife… a very sharp knife for meat. If you asked me, why I bought the knife… I didn’t know… now I think it wasn’t me. Anyway, I bought it and came back home. I hid the knife under the bed. That night something woke me up after midnight and I did it the first time… I was self harming myself. I took the knife and cut my left shoulder very deeply… too deeply because I couldn’t stop the bleeding. I went to the bathroom and put my arm under cold water. A few minutes later everything was okay, I put a big plaster on my arm and went to sleep. I felt so fresh and happy, it was a very mysterious experience, I lost my anger and felt much better. From that night, I had a secret, only my secret and I started to be happy. Obviously, in the morning I saw a lot of blood in my bed, but I told mum, that I had a period and she believed me. I was self harming for two years, I always did it in the night… after midnight. I cut my arms, legs and sometimes stomach. Every time it was so refreshing. I discovered a voice in my head who woke up me and told me what I should do. I liked him (it was man’s voice) because I felt better and safe. In my life, the most important thing was this voice. I lived with him for more than two years, I didn’t need friends because I wasn’t alone. I had one best friend… in my head. In my family everything was the same: tired father, frustrated mother and stupid sister… but I was different. I knew that one day I would kill myself but not now. I was looking forward to this day, but I didn’t have to rush.

One day, it was in September, we had a meeting with a man who was a teacher in The Private Music Learning Club, it was a new place in our town. They offered one lesson free, and you could choose an instrument. His name was Jared and he was playing the guitar in a rock band and teaching as well.

When I saw him, I felt that I knew this man. He was very tall and slim with long blond hair and small, funny eyes. He was… maybe twenty six years old. I had never seen him before, but I knew him! I felt it a long time ago, when I met my best friend, Lucy. We were like twins, we knew everything about ourselves and thanks to Lucy, I was happy. But after primary school Lucy and her parents left our town and moved to Los Angeles. We were still talking, but not so often, and when I started self harming, I ended this friendship.

Anyway, Jared. I was sitting on my chair and looking at him. His gestures, manner of speaking, everything was familiar.

‚What are you looking for, Ann?’ Jessica asked, she was sitting with me.

‚Oh, nothing, I just feel, I know this man,’ I was ashamed.

‚Do you like him?’ she guessed. ‚You should find a boyfriend, but not him, he’s too old.’ She started laughing and I was angry.

‚Shut up!’ I hissed.

‚Go on first lesson, it’s free,’ she said with a conciliatory tone.

‚Maybe I’ll do it,’ I replied.

After meeting, Jared asked everyone what instrument they wanted and what time and day for their lessons. When it was my turn, Jessica stood behind me.

‚What’s your name and what instrument do you want?’ He looked at me and smiled.

‚My name is Ann, I would like a guitar,’ I replied quietly.

‚Watch her, she is a witch and she told me, she feels that she already knows you,’ Jessica laughed behind my back.

My face was red, I wanted to kill her. Jared looked at me and smiled again.

‚Maybe we met in another life. Do you believe in reincarnation?’ He winked at me.

‚Yes, sure,’ I nodded.

‚Okay my friend, so what time and day do you prefer?’ He was back to business because the queue was very long.

I peeked on his page.

‚Maybe on Wednesday three o’clock,’ I pointed to a free hour on the page.

‚Okay, no problem. We will see on Wednesday, bring your guitar if you have one.’

I hesitated for a moment.

‚No, I haven’t,’ I said quietly.

‚Don’t worry,’ he replied very quickly. ‚I have a few guitars. See you on Wednesday.’

‚Thanks, see you.’ I felt bad that I didn’t have a guitar.

After school, I went to a music shop… I wanted to check the guitars’ prices… but most of them were too expensive. I was very angry because if I’d bought a guitar two years ago, I wouldn’t have a problem now.

“Go home and do it.” I heard Billy, the voice in my head. Every time Billy told me what I should do. I felt so safe with him. He always knew what I had to do to feel better. So, I went home and took my knife. It was inside my bed. I was alone, my parents and my sister came back after six. I had enough time. My knife was very sharp but I learnt to use it not too deeply. Thank God the summer was finished and I could cut myself around my calves and forearms. The summer was the worst season because I couldn’t cut everywhere I wanted. For two years no one knew about my self harming. I was a really good in that. I was very proud that I had a secret. Anyway, I did it and felt better… like always. You had to understand that when I did it, when I was seeing my blood, when I felt pain, all my problems went through the wound.

It’s very hard to explain what the man feels when cut yourself. You have to do it and feel it. One word, it’s catharsis. You feel that you can start from the beginning.

I couldn’t wait for Wednesday, I was so excited. After school, I went to the music club. Jared was so nice although it was hard work and tiring.

‚Hello Ann,’ he greeted me. ‚Are you ready to start learning?’

‚I think so,’ I smiled unsteadily.

‚Okay, so we have to choose a guitar for you.’ He stood up and went to the cupboard with the guitars. ‚That one will be excellent for you,’ he decided and gave me it.

That was the best forty five minutes of my life. I was a good student and learnt very fast. Jared was surprised.

‚Okay Ann, I think you have a big talent, you should play the guitar.’

‚I would like to, but I don’t have a guitar and my parents can’t buy me. They think it’s only my frills.’ I sighed.

‚Maybe, I don’t know you, but if you want to play you should, because you have a big talent,’ he repeated. ‚What we can do… I can lend you this guitar and you can play at home.’

‚That’s great,’ I was glad. ‚And how much is one lesson with you?’

‚Eight pounds for forty five minutes. Do you want once or twice a week?’

‚Once,’ I replied quickly. I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t have a lot of money. ‚I have a lot of extracurricular activities.’ I tried to explain but he wasn’t suspicious.

‚OK, no problem. Wednesdays at three will be good?’

‚Yes, of course,’ I agreed.

‚Take a guitar, and see you next week.’ He said goodbye to me with a smile.

The next few months were the best in my life. I was learning very carefully and my parents told me that they would buy me a guitar as a Christmas gift. I stopped self harming… I did it once, maybe twice in three months, when my parents and Daisy pissed me off. Sometimes, Billy tried to talk with me, but I had a guitar and that was the most important. After Christmas and New Year I was so excited that I would meet with Jared and show him my new guitar. When I went to the Music Club, there was another guy in the Jared’s classroom.

‚Where is Jared?’ I asked nervously.

‚Hi, are you Ann? I’m Patrick, Jared’s friend, he had to fly to America with his band. They will be back in two maybe three weeks. They have a few concerts for Americans. I can teach you if you tell me what did you learn?’

‚Okay,’ I replied resigned. I was very upset… very sad that he didn’t tell me about this travel. I thought, that we were friends… yes, it was my mistake. I should know that he was only kind and friendly because of his job. I’m only a customer for him! I couldn’t think about the lesson, I wanted to go home. Anyway, when I went home, I had to cut my arms. Billy helped me, I was so happy that he was with me. He was my only friend. It was a very hard three weeks for me. I wanted to give up the lessons, but if I did it, my parents would have been right that it was only frills. The second reason was, that I loved the guitar. Finally, I was so angry that I had to self harm almost every day. My arms, legs and stomach looked very, very bad. And I felt very bad. Thank God, my parents couldn’t see it, because they worked a lot… Saturdays and Sundays as well. On some days we saw each other for only five minutes. I sat in my room and read or played the guitar. Patrick was nice, but he wasn’t Jared. It was a good lesson for me… I shouldn’t believe anyone! Except Billy, of course.

When Jared came back I looked very tired. On the one hand, I was happy that he was back, but on the other, I was very, very angry. I had this feeling for the first time, joy and anger at the same time, for one person. He knew that something was wrong, but when he asked me I denied. He looked at me very carefully for the whole my lesson but I couldn’t tell him the truth. When I went home, I cut myself… like always. The following Wednesday, I felt that I shouldn’t go to my lesson. I felt that something would happen. I wanted to ask Billy, but he wasn’t in my head. So, I ignored my feelings and went to Jared. When we met, I noticed he was upset.

‚Sit down, Ann,’ he said to me too fast and too nervously. He went to the door and locked it.

I felt like in a cheap horror. Maybe, he was a murderer or rapist. If he killed me, he would do me a favour.

‚Do you want to hurt me?’ I asked quietly.

‚No,’ he smiled and came to me, took the chair and sat down opposite me. ‚I want to talk with you, only talk, but I’m afraid that you escape.’

‚Okay, so what is the topic?’ I tried to be funny and treated him like a teacher. I knew that he wasn’t my friend.

‚Show me your arms, please’ he said it very quietly… and softly.

I jumped up from the chair.

‚No, it’s not your business, you are my teacher, only… nothing more.’ I shouted.

He caught my hand.

‚Please, sit down. I know it’s not my business but I would like to know, how long?’

I shook my head. I understood, he knew everything. The first man who discovered my secret. The voice in my head said: “Don’t tell him! He’ll use it against you!”

‚Let me out or I will scream.’ I snatched my hand.

‚Annie you need help,’ he told me very kindly. ‚If you don’t tell me, I’ll telephone your parents.’

‚It’s blackmail! You can’t do it, it’s not your business!’ I repeated but I knew that he would do it. I felt like an animal in the cage.

‚You are my student, your arms and probably your legs are cut. You are looking very sad and unhappy. My duty is try to help you, or report it. If you don’t want my help, you don’t leave me a choice. So, I’m asking you the last one, how long have you been self harming?’

I sighed, resigned and sat down opposite him.

‚Not long, I started this month,’ I lied without hesitation.

‚Please, don’t lie,’ he sighed. ‚When we met in your school, I saw traces of cutting on your arm, but then I hadn’t noticed more. I knew that you are an unhappy person, but when we started learning, I thought that you felt much better. Last week you looked very bad and I decided to talk with you. Please, you can trust me. We are like twins, I know you feel the same. I promise, no one will know

about your problems.

I sighed again and hid face in my hands. He was right and although Billy shouted, “No, no, no, don’t trust him” I knew that I had to. Finally, I looked at him.

‚How long?’ He asked again.

‚Three years.’ I replied quietly.

Now, he hid face in his hands, then looked at me. His “always happy eyes” were very sad.

‚You’ve been hurting yourself for three years?!’ He couldn’t believe it. ‚What about your parents, your family, your friends?’ Jared was in shock.

I smiled sadly.

‚They are very busy. My job is to be a good daughter, a good sister, a good student and help them always, when they need me. I lost my friend, when she moved to LA, I don’t have a friend.’ I couldn’t tell him about Billy. Billy was only mine!

‚I can’t understand, I can’t believe it.’ Jared was in shock all the time. ‚You really need help. You should go to a therapist.’

‚It’s okay, don’t worry about me.’ I tried to downplay my situation. ‚Thank you for your care, but I don’t need it. I have to go, my time is over.’ I got up and gave him eight pounds.

‚You don’t pay me today.’ He stood up and went to his desk. ‚Can you come to me tomorrow at half past two?’

‚What for?’ I asked nervously. I didn’t want to talk about me any more.

‚Our lesson.’ He smiled friendly. ‚But I have one request,’ he came to me and took my hand. ‚If you need help, I’m here. If you decide to go on the therapy, I will help you. You are a fantastic girl, you have many talents and your whole life ahead of you. Please, promise me that you will stop self harming.’

My eyes filled with tears.

‚I can’t promise you,’ I whispered.

Jared pulled me and hugged.

‚I know Annie, I know.’

I started crying, and couldn’t stop. Jared stroked my hair and then he went to his desk. He wrote something and gave it to me.

‚This is my phone number. If you need anything, call me. If you feel that you have to self harm, call me. Can you promise me this?’

I stopped crying and smiled.

‚Yes, I promise you.’

‚Okay, I believe you. Your secret is safe with me.’ He winked at me.

‚I don’t know why, but I believe you as well. Thank you, Jared. See you tomorrow.’ He opened the door and I went home. It was very hard to explain, but I felt much better. I knew that he would really help me if I needed it.

Next day I went to school and I felt very happy. Jared was my friend… I had a real friend who knew all my secrets… almost all. I didn’t feel it for a long time. I thought nothing could break my happiness but I was wrong. My teacher came to me and gave me a letter from the office that I hadn’t given them a doctor’s certificate about my health, so the doctor would be in school on Monday and I must be ready for these examinations, because I couldn’t graduate from school without these tests. I froze. I couldn’t undress for anyone. This was the reason why I didn’t have a boyfriend, I hated the beach, summer, PE and doctors… except dentists. I hated dentists but for other reasons. Anyway, I was in a fix. I wanted to die. When I went to Jared I looked like a shadow, again.

‚Hi Ann, are you all right?’ It was very strange, but he was really happy when he saw me.

‚No, I’m not,’ I replied honestly.

‚What’s happened?’ He approached me, took my hands and looked for a fresh traces of cuts. ‚Should I check your legs?’ He asked fearfully.

‚No, you don’t have to,’ I smiled weakly. ‚I have a problem at my school.’ I told him about the doctor.

‚It’s a big problem,’ Jared sighed. ‚But I’ll try to help you. If I succeed, you will promise me that you’ll finish self harming, okay?

I hesitated.

‚It’s not as simple like you think…’

‚I know, but most of your problems are in your head. If you start to talk about this, it’s gone.’ He interrupted me. ‚I know what I’m saying, I know these problems better than you think.’

I looked at him in surprised.

‚Long story, maybe I will tell you about this some day. Anyway, will you call me on Monday morning? I will tell you what you should do… and don’t worry… and don’t cut yourself. Promise?’

‚Promise,’ I smiled.

‚Okay, so can we learn for a few minutes?’

‚You are the boss.’ I replied and he looked at me somehow different… and then smiled widely.

‚Good girl,’ he said finally.

You couldn’t imagine what I felt after meeting with Jared. He gave me so much optimism. I couldn’t wait for Monday. Obviously, I didn’t cut myself… like I promised him.

On Monday morning I called him.

‚Hi Ann, tell me what time do you have this doctor?’

‚After lunch time.’

‚Can you leave school before lunch?’

‚No, I can’t. I can only escape,’ I said sharp. I was angry with him. What reason could I come up with?

‚No, no, no, it’s a bad idea. Okay, don’t worry, I will think of something…’

‚Are you an idiot? Don’t you have a plan? I shouldn’t trust you, I regret that I believed you!’

‚Calm down Annie, I’m sorry, I’ll help you, please calm down.’ He was very upset. ‚Go to school like normal, I’ll find you before lunch, I promise… please trust me.’

‚I have no choice.’ I said and hung up. I went to school. Half past eleven Jared knocked to my classroom and opened the door. All eyes looked at him.

‚I’m sorry to bother you, can I talk to you?’ He asked my teacher.

She went to him and closed the door. I was sweating in a moment. A few minutes later she went back.

‚Ann, you can go with him,’ she told me. ‚Good luck,’ she added when I left.

I turned to her and smiled faintly. I had no idea what he told her! I hoped, no truth. He was waiting for me in the hall.

‚Are you okay?’ He looked at me very carefully.

‚Yes, I’m all right. What did you tell her?’

‚That we have a concert in The Veteran’s House and the guitarist is ill, and only you can replace him.’ He shook his shoulders.

‚You really are a crazy man,’ I started laughing and I couldn’t stop.

‚You have very nice laughter, you should laugh more,’ he watched me intently. ‚Okay, we have to go,’ he took my hand and squeezed it softly. I felt uncomfortable… no, no, it was bad word… strange… was better. Maybe, because no one had done it before.

‚Where are we going?’ I asked, when he went to his car.

‚We go to a doctor, you need this certificate, don’t you?’

‚Jared, listen… thank you for your help, but this is my problem, not yours. I can’t go to the doctor and you know why.’

‚Do you trust me?’ He stopped, turned to me and looked in my eyes.

‚Yes,’ I whispered. He was so close and smelt so nice…

‚So we can go,’ he smiled and we drove away.

‚Where are we going?’ I repeated, when we had driven for a few minutes.

‚To my house, you should get to know someone,’ he replied.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

‚Who? Your girlfriend?’

‚My mother,’ he said very seriously.

‚Are you living with your mother!’ I yelled in surprised, with a laugh. He didn’t look like a guy who lived with mummy.

‚Yes,’ he replied shortly. I understood, it was not a joke.

When we arrived in the suburbs, I saw a big house with a fabulous garden in front of the door.

‚You have a beautiful house,’ I said but Jared didn’t respond. I thought, he was angry with me.

‚Come,’ he said and opened the car door.

I got out politely, I saw that he was still angry.

‚Mum,’ he shouted, when we entered the house.

She came out from the kitchen, in a wheelchair. She was smiling and looking very friendly. She had white hair and beautiful green eyes, the same as Jared. I felt bad, and I wasn’t surprised that Jared was angry. I was a bonehead!

‚Hello Ann, I’m Eve,’ she said very friendly.

‚Good morning,’ I replied. I still felt like jerk.

‚Give me your jacket, and go to the living room.’ Jared helped me to take off my jacket.

‚Come with me my dear.’ Eve took my hand and we went to the living room. The house was the same beautiful inside like outside. The living room was in wood and… looked like a hunting room but without dead animals. And of course fireplace… on the shelf above were two pictures; one was of Jared a few years ago and the second was of Eve with probably her husband… a very handsome man. They were on the sea and she didn’t use a wheelchair. I wondered what had happened.

‚Sit down Ann, Jared will get us a cup of tea,’ she turned with a smile to her son.

Jared smiled and went into kitchen.

‚So, Jared told me that you need my help,’ she told.

I moved restlessly. I didn’t know what Jared told her. “Safe secret”, I felt it was the beginning of my end. It was a bad idea to have trusted him.

‚Don’t worry,’ she took my hand. ‚He only told it to me and I don’t tell anyone.’

Jared came back with the tea and sat down on the armchair.

‚How do you feel mum? Did you take your pills?’ He asked with care.

“Jerk, jerk, double jerk,” I thought about myself.

‚Thank you son, I don’t need these pills any more.’ Eve was impatient. ‚Last weekend we spent at the hospital because I had a bad pain in my back.’ She explained. ‚He is the best son in the whole world.’ She smiled at him.

Jared winked at her, and I felt worse, and worse, and worse. “How could I be so selfish?! He had a lot of problems, but didn’t forget about me… his student… only self harming student.”

‚Okay Ann, so you need certificate from the doctor that you are healthy, is that true?’ Eve looked at me.

‚Yes, that’s true,’ I said quietly.

‚But you are not healthy, is that true?’ She watched me very carefully.

‚I’m okay,’ I replied very nervously. I didn’t know what she wanted from me.

Jared’s mother sighed deeply and took my hand. I sat down with bowed head.

‚Ann, I’m therapist and I can try to help you. I can imagine how you feel, how hard your life is, but you can’t continue self harming. Do you want to die?’ She asked me very seriously.

“It’s my dream,” I thought but said nothing. I was still sitting with a bowed head.

‚My child, you will have a fantastic life if you want it.’

I looked at her very surprised.

‚That’s true,’ she smiled. ‚I can show you why you are so unhappy if you let me. To start off with, can you show me your scars?’

I stepped back violently. I wasn’t ready for this.

‚Mum, maybe you should call Tom Brady and I go to him to get a certificate,’ Jared looked at her significantly.

‚Oh yes, you are right,’ she nodded. ‚Ann,’ she turned to me, ‚I’ll call my friend, he is a doctor and he’ll give you a certificate, but I have one condition… you must come to me for therapy.’

‚I don’t need therapy, I’m sorry, I must go home.’ I got up from the sofa, Jared got up as well. I had two reasons to go away; the first, I couldn’t trust anyone!!! Absolutely anyone!!! The second, even if I decided to trust Eve and Jared, I didn’t have money for therapy.

‚Ann, wait,’ he shouted.

I went to the hall, he went with me, Eve stayed in the living room. Jared took my hand as I took my coat.

‚Ann, please, stay here,’ he asked me. ‚I can’t help you any more, but she can,’ he indicated his mother.

‚Jared… you don’t understand… you can’t understand what I feel. I regretted that I told you the truth, it should only be my secret, no accomplices.’ I tried to explain my decision to him.

‚I was a druggie, my best friend died before my eyes. I know this way and I know where it will end. I can’t allow you to die. Self harming is like drugs, the same energies.’ He looked at me and I saw his eyes, were very sad and pained. ‚You are safe in this house, I promise, and your secret is safe as well.

I didn’t know what I should say… what I should do… I would never have expected… my God! And he stood in front of me and waited for my decision.

‚I don’t have money for therapy.’ I whispered after a long while.

‚I don’t want your money,’ Eve appeared in the door. ‚I want to help you… nothing more.’

‚Okay,’ I gave up. Jared took my coat and we went back to the living room.

Eve called.

‚Hello Tom, it’s Eve speaking… Yes, I’m all right, thank you, but I have a big request… Oh yes, I’m sure you can. I have a friend, she needs a certificate for school… Yes, she is my patient, she is very shy… Yes, of course we are working with this… No it’s impossible, please Tom, you have my word. Yes, she has a problem with her parents… No, it’s not domestic violence! I swear she is okay, she is only very shy… like her mother. I can vouch for her. Please, do it for me… Yes, for to school… Yes, exactly… No, today.. Yes, Jared will be there in ten minutes… Yes, he will have her school ID. Okay, thank you, Tom, you are an angel… Okay, we’ll see you on Friday… Of course, I’ll remember. Thank you Tom, bye, bye.’ She hang up the phone and looked at me.

‚Thank you,’ I whispered.

‚You’re welcome,’ she smiled widely. ‚Jared, please go to him and take this certificate, Ann give him your school ID.’

‚Okay, I will be back soon,’ he smiled and took my ID. ‚Wait for me, promise?’

‚Yes,’ I said gratefully.

When Jared left Eve looked at me again.

‚I would like to talk with you about your feelings, but first, I tell you about my job. I am a therapist but I’m working with the subconscious, I want to teach you how you can use your knowledge and your subconscious to change your life.’ She sighed and continued. ‚I know what it means when you don’t want to live. Three years ago my husband died, he had heart attack, when he was on the roof. I stood outside and held a ladder. When he was falling, I tried to catch him… the most stupid idea in the whole world,’ she sighed again. ‚He fell on me and broke my spine. I regretted that he didn’t kill me. I loved him more than my son… that was the truth. I wanted to die with him… I tried to kill myself twice, I was very selfish, I didn’t think about Jared, I thought only about myself, about my pain. One night my husband came to me and told me that I had to live and look after our son and other people who needed my help. He told me that if I killed myself we couldn’t meet in the special place between one life and the other. I believed him, but it wasn’t so simple. I had a very deep depression. When I came back home, I needed care all the time. Jared moved in with me, his girlfriend left him because she couldn’t understand why he wanted to care for me instead employing a nurse. He dedicated his life to me and he saved me. One day, I asked him why he did it and he replied; “Because you are my mum and I love you. Thank you that you decided to stay with me. I will always be with you because you didn’t leave me although you didn’t want to live.” I cried a few days after this conversation, but it changed my life forever. I’m still alive thanks to him and for him, but I would like him to put together his own life. Now, he has only music and his band… and an old mother who needs his help.’ She finished and looked at me.

I was crying all the time… and couldn’t stop. So much suffering, so much pain fell on this family… and Jared… he was… incredible.

‚Stop crying Ann, it’s in the past,’ Eve took my hand and gave me a tissue. ‚I told you my story because sometimes we think that we have the worst, although it’s not true. Your body is healthy. Think about this.’

‚Your story is horrific, but I have a feeling that I’m in the wrong place… It’s very difficult to explain.’

‚I understand you. It’s very possible, that you are in the wrong place but you can’t give up, this is your experience… a very important experience. I’m sure, you’ll find your place if you really want. We will talk about this next time, maybe I’ll make you regress… I’m also specialized with herbs, if you show me your scars, I’ll prepare an ointment for you and your skin will look much better.’

I sighed and pulled up my sleeve. She reached out and touched my scars.

‚My God, how long have you been doing it?’ She touched it.

‚Three years.’ I replied honestly.

Suddenly the door was opened and Jared entered.

‚Hi ladies, everything okay?’ He asked, removing his coat.

‚Yes it’s all right,’ I replied.

‚Good, this is your certificate and your ID,’ he gave me a paper.

‚Thank you, really, thank you both very, very much.’ I looked at them with gratitude. ‚I think, I should go,’ I stood up and went to the hall.

‚Okay Ann, think about all of this, what I have told you,’ Eve said.

‚I will,’ I promised. I can’t still believe her story.

‚Next time, we will be talking about you, okay?’ She asked me.

‚Okay, I will be ready, I promise. Now, I feel much better, thank you,’ I couldn’t find the words to tell her what I felt. And I felt that my life was changed. Forever.

‚So, can we go?’ Jared asked.

‚No, no, I can go alone,’ I protested.

‚I’m going to town, I’ll drop you, it’s no problem,’ he said.

‚When will you come to me, Ann?’ Eve asked. ‚Maybe next Thursday?’

‚Yes, sure, and will you make me regress?’

‚We will see, I can’t promise you because you must be ready to regress,’ she replied.

‚What is regress?’ I asked surprised. Why must I be ready for this?

‚It’s go back to previous incarnations. Do you believe in reincarnation?’ She asked me very seriously.

‚I’m not sure… I think, yes.’

‚You can read about this on the net and if you have more questions, we will talk about this on Thursday. What time can you be here?’

‚About three o’clock. Will it be okay?’

‚Yes my dear. I will be waiting for you,’ she smiled warmly.

‚I cannot wait, thank you, you are a great person.’ I was so happy that I leaned in and hugged Eve.

She patted me on the back.

‚Everything will be all right, don’t worry.’

‚I see that you are good friends. I’m jealous,’ Jared laughed. ‚Come Ann, I’ll show you the bus stop, and now, I have to really go.’

‚See you on Thursday, Ann,’ Eve said.

‚Thank you for everything,’ I added and went with Jared.

‚Your mother is a fantastic person. Thank you, for letting me meet her.’ I said when we were driving.

‚My pleasure,’ Jared winked me.

‚She told me your stories. You are a very brave and noble man.’

Jared laughed.

‚It’s very nice, but it’s not true. I lost my father and I can’t lose my mother. Everyone would do the same in my situation.’

‚I don’t think so,’ I replied and he looked at me very surprised. I thought, that my dream was moving from my house as quickly as I could and never come back. Never!

‚Do you want to listen to my song?’ Jared asked, breaking the awkward silence.

‚Yes, sure.’

He tuned in the CD-player and I heard a sharp, hard rock song.

‚It’s good, it’s really good,’ I said when it finished.

‚We are recorded it and now, we want to make a clip… in The Grand Canyon in America. We have a screenplay and are just waiting on the message that they are ready.’

‚You have great ideas, I think you will be famous and I will be able to brag that I know you,’ I finished with a laugh.

Jared shook his head and laughed, as well.

‚You are a crazy teenager.’

‚Jared, can you tell me about your drugs problem?’ I changed the subject.

He stopped laughing and looked at me.

‚I don’t like to talk about this, but maybe some day I will decide to tell you my story. I’ll think about this, okay.’

‚Okay, I will be waiting,’ I smiled and Jared stopped the car near the music club.

‚I’m sorry, I can’t drop you at your house because I have lesson in ten minutes,’ he said apologetically.

‚Oh no, that’s okay, thank you Jared, thank you for everything.’ I said getting out of the car.

‚Be happy Ann and we’ll see you on Wednesday,’ he reminded me. ‚And no cutting!’

‚No cutting, I promise,’ I replied and went home.

On Wednesday, Jared gave me some ointment from Eve and told me, that he was leaving for a week to America. He gave me a phone number to Eve, so if something should go wrong, I could call her. I wasn’t to worry, it was just one week. Next Wednesday I had to have a lesson with Patrick, on Thursday a meeting with Eve, and two weeks later as normal, with Jared.

On the Friday, after Jared had left, everything started to go bad. Daisy, my sister was ill, she had chicken pox and had to stay at home with mum. I went to school as normal, but I hated that someone was in home when I returned. Normally, I had two-three hours for myself but not this time. My mother decided we would clean because we had a lot of time. We, meant she and me. I couldn’t escape, because I have no place. And then Billy was coming to me. When I cleaned he came to me and reminded me, how I felt after self harming. Jared hadn’t to know. I had a lot of anger, I should do it to feel better. It was only three cuts on the Sunday evening. In the morning I felt much better. “I told you” I heard Billy’s voice. I thought, maybe self harming was my destiny and no one could do anything with this. When I came back from school my hell began. My mother was cleaning in my room and she found my knife. It was lying on the table in the kitchen. When I saw it, I froze.

‚Why do you have a knife in your room?’ My mother asked me.

‚Why did you search my stuff?’ I asked calmly.

‚Answer my question!’ She shouted.

“Show her” I heard Billy’s voice and something broke in me. I didn’t want to hide any more.

‚Do you think you have everything under control? Do you think, I’m your slave? I show you why I need this knife!’ I took off my coat and pulled up my sleeves. I grabbed the knife from the table and cut my left forearm three times.

‚What are you doing, you idiot?’ My mother ran up to me and snatched my knife. I was standing and

couldn’t believe what I did. I forgot that I was covered in blood. ‚You are insane, I’m calling an ambulance!’ She shouted and took the phone.

‚Fuck you,’ I said and went to my room. I thought, that she scared me. I felt great and I was indifferent to what had happened. I was free… I was proud that I had been a brave to show her this… and her stupid face… you should see it. Anyway, a few minutes later an ambulance arrived. She wasn’t a brave to come to my room. The doctor opened the door and entered very carefully.

‚Hello Ann, are you okay? He asked me gently.

‚Yes, I’m all right,’ I replied. I sat on my sofa and read a book. I dressed my wounds… like always.

‚I would like to take you to the hospital. Your mother told me that you need help.’ He was very nice and didn’t want to annoy me.

‚I don’t, thank you,’ I thanked politely and returned to reading.

‚Ann, you are self harming your body, you have to go with us.’ He was still very kind but firm.

‚I’ve cut my body for three years and she didn’t notice it, so in my opinion, she needs help more than me.’

‚Listen, your mother is really worried about you…’

‚My mother is worried, because she loses a slave, and that is the biggest problem. I’ll go with you and I don’t want to come back here. Wait for me for a few minutes, while I get my things.’ I interrupted him, took a big bag and started to pack. The doctor went to her. One minute later she came to me.

‚How dare you say such things! You are an ungrateful idiot…’

‚And you are an ordinary idiot,’ I interrupted her. ‚I have had enough. I don’t want to live in this house. You’ve wasted my life, I hate you. I’ll go to the hospital and tell everyone whose daughter I am and I’m here because of you.’

The doctor was standing in the doorway and listening to our conversation. My mother turned to him.

‚Which hospital are you taking her to?’ She asked the doctor.

‚The nearest, in town,’ he replied.

‚Come with me doctor.’ She left my room and went with him to the kitchen. ‚Please, take her to the hospital in London. She is abnormal and I am… I am a public person, in our town, in a certain sense, I’m afraid she can… she wants to waste my life and my career.’ She said it with tears in her eyes.

‚My God, I can’t believe that you are afraid for your career. Your daughter has a big problem with self harming and you talk to me about your career! She is right, you need help more than she. Excuse me, I have to take care of my patient.’ He came to my room very upset. -‚Are you ready?’ He asked me.

‚Yes, I am,’ I sighed. ‚Everywhere will be better than here,’ I added.

‚I’ll give you the addresses of houses for people with similar problems. You don’t have to live here if you don’t want to.’

‚Thank you, doctor,’ I was so happy, that he thought the same as me.

‚Everything will be all right,’ he smiled and took my bag.

‚I can’t go with you honey, because Daisy is ill.’ My mother stood in the hall and tried to be nice.

‚I don’t want to see you,’ I replied. ‚I’m almost eighteen and this is my life and my decision.’

‚We will visit you tomorrow darling,’ She didn’t stop playing. ‚Where are you taking her?’ She asked the doctor.

‚To the nearest hospital,’ he replied and went with me.

There was only one hospital in our town with a few wards. I lay in the psychiatric ward. The doctors were very nice, the therapists and nurses the same. On one hand I felt very good, but on the other I felt that I was losing myself. They gave me some pills in the morning, afternoon and evening, and after every pill, I felt as if I were. They could do with me what they wanted. I forgot about Jared and Eve, thank God Billy was still with me. He told me that my time was very near and we would be together very soon. I didn’t know what that meant, but I believed him. I was very happy, that I didn’t have to hide anything any more. I was so tired of these secrets. I told my therapist everything about my stupid life. Only Billy was my secret. He told me, that if I told anyone about us, they would destroy him. Billy was my only friend. I understood that I loved him. After these pills, I was like in a dream… every time. My parents came to me, but I didn’t want to talk with them, so they went to see the doctor. Every day they came to the doctor and asked about me. One night I had a dream… with Billy. He showed me how he looked like. He was a very handsome man. He promised me that he took care of everything… I just needed rest. I believed him… I loved him so much. He touched me and kissed me like no one ever had before. I was really happy, but it wasn’t my reality it was an alternative world, where I could live with Billy… thanks to pills. At the same time, I lived in reality, I talked with the doctors and I had meetings with a therapist. Everybody was happy, that I felt much better… and I was losing myself more, and more, and more.

Jared arrived home on Friday evening. He felt so happy, the clip was great and he thought that this was a chance to enter the international music world. Now, they had to finish recording the album, promote the single with the clip and win the first place on the music charts in the whole world. When he opened the door, Eve left the kitchen.

‚Hi mum, are you waiting for me?’ Jared asked cheerfully.

‚Hi son,’ she replied sadly. ‚Ann isn’t on the therapy. I think something is wrong.’

‚Don’t worry mum, maybe she forgot.’ He kissed her on the forehead.

‚She was in a very bad condition. I think they want her mind.’ Eve sighed.

‚Last time you said, that everything will be okay,’ Jared said surprised.

‚I thought that she is stronger, but I could be wrong.’

‚Okay, it’s eleven, I can’t call her house and ask about her. We have to wait until tomorrow. Why didn’t you call me yesterday?’

‚I didn’t want to upset you. You are very involved in the affairs of this girl.’ She looked at him carefully.

‚I feel very close to her. I can’t explain why. Can you make me regress, mum? I’ll try to find her in my previous incarnations.’

‚All right son but not today. I’m very upset, I hope she just forgot about our meeting.’

‚You don’t believe in it?’

‚No, I don’t. I’ll try to protect her,’ she added and went to her room.

“Annie, please, you can’t die,” Jared thought and went upstairs to his room as well.

On Saturday, at eight in the morning he called my house. My sister told him that I was in the hospital because I had an accident. He didn’t ask for any more information. Half an hour later he was with me. I had just finished breakfast, I took my pills and wanted to take a nap. He came to me very upset.

‚Annie, what’s happened?’ He asked me.

‚Hi Jared,’ I replied cheerfully. ‚Don’t worry, everything is under control.’

He looked at me very carefully.

‚I see, but under… whose control?’

‚Mine of course.’ I said indignantly.

‚Ann, can you tell me what happened?’

I told him all the story. He was sitting with his head hidden in hands.

‚I feel much better now. I don’t have to lie any more. I am very happy. You and your mother don’t have to worry about me, I promise.’

‚Ann, you feel better because they give you drugs. I see it in your eyes…’

‚But thanks to these drugs I can meet with Billy all the time,’ I interrupted him, but immediately I regretted these words.

‚Who is Billy?’ Jared asked surprised. He was more upset than earlier.

‚No one,’ I replied.

‚Annie, who is Billy?’ He repeated.

‚My best friend. He is always with me. He forbade me to talk about him, I’m sorry Jared.’ I shook my shoulders.

‚Is he alive?’ He asked me very seriously. He tried to force me to speak.

‚Of course!’ I laughed.

‚I would like to wait for him and talk.’

‚It’s impossible,’ I didn’t stop laughing.

‚Why?’ He didn’t give up.

‚That’s enough Jared. Tell me about your drugs problem.’ I changed the subject.

‚Not today,’ he replied quickly. ‚Annie,’ he took my hand. ‚Can you feel him like me?’ He stroked my cheek. Then he took my hand and kissed it very softly. I felt goose-bumps. ‚Can you feel it, when he is with you?’ He asked gently.

‚I can’t feel it, because he is only in my dreams… in my head.’ I heard that Billy shouted at me, that I couldn’t believe Jared, but I understood that I loved both of them. I didn’t want to have secrets from Jared. ‚But he is very real…’

‚Do you have more friends like Billy?’ He interrupted me.

‚No, only Billy.’

“Get rid of him,” I heard Billy’s voice. “I’m waiting for you honey”

‚I’m sorry Jared, I’m very tired. Can you go now?’ I asked.

‚Yes, of course.’ He stood up. ‚Ann, please don’t take the pills. Your mind is closed and you can’t control what happens to you. I will be back today with Eve, okay?’

‚Okay, see you this afternoon.’ I agreed and went to sleep. Billy was angry and I had to apologize to him.

I had to promise him that I had stopped talking about him. We spent a beautiful time Billy was so charming that I decided that I loved him more than Jared. Billy told me, that I should take the pills because thanks to these pills we could be together almost all the time, and we would be together, forever, very soon. I had no idea how he could do it, but I trusted him… because I loved him. Earlier in the afternoon Jared came with Eve to see me.

‚Hello darling, how do you feel?’ She asked and looked at me very strangely, as if she was peering inside me. ‚I was worrying about you Ann.’

‚I’m sorry, I should call you,’ I replied.

‚That’s okay. I’m happy that you feel better,’ she smiled.

Jared went to the locker, put a long, white candle on it and lit it. I felt uncomfortable… but I didn’t know why. I was afraid that Eve would be talking about Billy, but she didn’t. She talked about herself… again. Jared actually didn’t speak. When they went out, I was very, very tired and when I fell asleep Billy didn’t come.

‚What do you think, mum?’ Jared asked as they drove the car.

‚It’s bad, it’s really bad. I expelled this energy but I’m afraid it return and she will be obedient.’ Eve sighed.

‚What can we do? Can she die?’

‚Yes, she can,’ Eve looked at Jared sadly. ‚We should take her from this hospital to our house, but I have no idea how we can do it.’

‚How many times do we have?’ Jared asked definitely.

‚Today she is saved. This energy is gone, but I’m sure it’s back. I would like to go to her tomorrow and then we will decide what to do next.’

‚Okay mum,’ Jared sighed. ‚On Monday, I have to go to Manchester, but I will be back in the evening.

‚All right son, I hope, everything will be okay. I hope…’

I slept all afternoon, and when I woke up I was very angry and unhappy. I missed Billy, but I didn’t know where he was. In the evening I took my pills with hope that Billy would come back… and I had it right. I had to call him but when I saw him, in my dreams, he looked very bad… like a shadow. He told me that Eve was a very devious witch and she wanted to destroy him. I knew that she had to disappear from my life. Billy was most important for me.

On Sunday, Jared and Eve came to see me in the afternoon. Jared lit the candle again, I was upset. Why did he do it without asking. And what was that candle for? When I asked about this Eve said, that the light protected me against bad energies. I forgot about Billy’s warnings. I wasn’t sure, but maybe Eve did something to my head. Anyway, she talked with me that these pills killed my soul and my mind, and I couldn’t decide what was good and what was bad. I felt that she was right, but I wasn’t able to do anything with this… I felt too weak. Jared was silent and just listened. I liked Eve very much but I wanted to stay with Jared… alone. While I thought about it, a few minutes later she told us that she must go to the toilet and went out. Jared sat on my bed and took my hand.

‚Annie, I have to talk with you about Billy,’ he said.

‚I’m sorry Jared, but I don’t want to talk about Billy,’ I replied.

‚I think he isn’t a good person if he likes it when you self harm,’ he continued.

‚No, no, it’s not like you think,’ I denied. ‚He showed me how I can release aggression. It was good for me but now, I don’t have to do it any more. I don’t need it.’

‚I believe you Ann, but I’m very worry about you.’ He sat nearer and stroked my cheek.

He was so warm and smelled so nice. I had to hug him… and I did it. He held me in his arms and I felt wonderful… better than with Billy. After a moment, he pulled away a little, and looked into my eyes.

‚You must live,’ he said firmly and then he kissed me on my lips very gently. I felt like in heaven. My God, I didn’t know, that one little kiss could change my life.

‚This is my promise to you, and my hope for more,’ he smiled. ‚Early tomorrow morning I have to go to Manchester, I will be back in the evening but on Tuesday morning I’ll come to you. Will you wait for me?’ He stroked my cheek again.

‚I will,’ I whispered.

‚Please don’t take these pills any more,’ he asked me.

‚I promise,’ I replied. I was in such a state that I would promise him everything. I was in love and that’s all.

Eve appeared in the doorway. She just looked at us and she knew everything… I saw her stealthy smile.

‚Okay kids, mummy is back,’ she said. ‚Did you tell her?’ She asked Jared.

‚Tell me about what?’ I asked.

‚No, I didn’t have time,’ Jared replied nervously.

‚Tell me about what?’ I raised voice.

‚We would like to take you to our house,’ Eve told me.

‚What for?’ I asked surprised.

‚Because in my opinion this is not good place for you and your health.’

“My God, to live with Jared in the same house… no, it’s too much… I couldn’t agree” I was so frightened, that I couldn’t think logically.

‚Think about this my dear,’ Eve said to me. ‚I think, we should go, son,’ she said to Jared.

‚Okay mum,’ he agreed. ‚Annie, I will be here on Tuesday, don’t forget, what you promised me.’ He leaned forward and kissed my neck. I felt butterflies in my stomach.

‚I try to visit to you tomorrow,’ Eve said.

‚Oh no, you don’t have to,’ I denied. ‚I feel much better and I think, I am healthy now.’

‚Oh yes, I’m sure,’ she smiled and looked at Jared. ‚Come on, son. See you soon, Annie,’ she added and left.

Jared stood in the doorway, blew me a kiss and left.

‚Is she safe?’ He asked, when they were going to the car.

‚I hope so,’ Eve replied. ‚I’m not sure what this energy wants from her,’ she said. ‚If it wants only her mind, that’s okay, we have time, but if it wants her life, she can die at any time. When you come back from Manchester we have to try take her to our home. She must leave the pills and start working with this. Do you know your feelings for her, or do you still need to regress?’ She changed the subject and looked at him carefully.

Jared smiled to himself.

‚I think it doesn’t matter now. I would like to look after her… she is so young and so helpless.’

‚And you are a great man. I’m proud of you my son,’ she smiled.

‚Thanks, mum,’ he replied.

I was alone but was very, very happy. At first, I couldn’t sleep, but then I fell asleep and woke up in the morning. Billy was gone.

After breakfast, a nurse gave me some pills and ordered me to take them immediately. I had no choice, I had to swallow them and then I felt very tired… like always. When I slept Billy came to me.

‚We don’t have much time my darling,’ he said. ‚I love you and I want to be with you forever.’

‚I love you too,’ I replied. He was so nice, I forgot about Jared and wanted to be with Billy. Before I woke up he told me, that that night we would connect with each other forever. In the evening, after my pills, Billy came to me. I didn’t sleep, he came to me in reality… I thought. He told me, that I had to go to the nurses office and take a knife. I didn’t know how I had gained this knife… but I did it. I put it under my pillow and went to bed. I was very tired, so I fell asleep before seven. Suddenly, Billy woke me up.

‚Ann, wake up, it’s time,’ he said very softly.

I didn’t know what I should do.

‚Don’t worry, I’ll tell you everything,’ he read in my mind. ‚Take your knife and chair and go to the bathroom, but be quiet, please.’

I did it very quietly.

‚Good girl,’ he praised me. ‚Now, you should close the door and put the chair under the door handle.’

I did it without thinking. Suddenly, I saw that he was lying in the bath. He took the knife from my hand and pulled me gently to him.

‚Come to me honey,’ he smiled. ‚We can do it at the same time and we will be together, forever.’

I was reminded of Jared and his kiss and hesitated, but he still held my hand.

‚Billy, I can’t do it today,’ I said finally. ‚I promised Jared that I will be waiting for him.’

‚Jared is not important, we are important. We are for each other and we have to be together. Come to me baby.’ He pulled me again.

‚I’m sorry, I can’t,’ I said and tried to take my hand. He held me and pulled stronger.

‚It’s our time, we have to do it.’ He said and pulled me to the bath. ‚Don’t be scared Annie, I love you, I don’t want to hurt you. I really want to help you. Do you remember the night when you wanted to kill yourself? It was a bad time, but thankfully, I showed up in your life. I know you, like no one. Only I love you, only I am honest with you. Do you love me, Annie?’ He asked and took my hand.

‚Yes, I love you Billy,’ I replied and suddenly, I felt that he cut my forearm. He did it not across, like I always did, but along, and very deep in my veins. I felt, that I was dying and I started crying. I didn’t want to die… but it was too late. I was too weak to do something. Billy held me very strongly.

Jared was upset all day. He had recorded material for the album but in the afternoon, he decided that he must go back to Ann. He called her at the hospital, but a nurse told him that Ann was sleeping and everything was all right. He felt that something could be wrong. Eve called that she couldn’t go because of headache. When he arrived, it was a few minutes before nine. He entered to the hospital and ran onto the second floor.

‚What are you doing?’ A nurse asked, when he went onto the ward. ‚It’s too late, the patients are sleeping. Go home and come back tomorrow.’

‚I’m sorry, I can’t,’ he replied breathless. ‚Room number seven… Annie, I have to check. If she is sleeping I’ll go home and come back tomorrow.’

‚I’m sure she is sleeping, I checked that room half an hour ago.’ She didn’t want to let him go.

‚Please… I beg you.’

‚Okay,’ she sighed. ‚Come with me, but be quiet.’ She went first and opened the door. The bed was empty.

Jared pushed her away and went inside.

‚Annie!’ He shouted. He turned on the light and looked around. His eyes fell on the bathroom door. He took the handle but he couldn’t open it. ‚Annie, do you hear me, Annie!’ He was shouting and tugging the handle.

‚O my God, you will awake the patients,’ the nurse whispered. She didn’t know what she should do.

I was very weak, and Billy was harming my arms and telling me how much he loved me. When he heard Jared, he stopped and covered my mouth.

‚Be quiet bitch,’ he hissed. ‚Quickly,’ he added and cut me faster.

When I heard Jared, I thought, that it was only in my mind, but when Billy covered my mouth I understood, that Jared was here. I opened my eyes and began to jerk.

‚Jared, help me!’ I shouted in a muffled voice.

Jared kicked the door and the chair flew through the whole bathroom. He burst inside and ran to me. I was lying in the bath, in my pyjamas, which were covered in blood. In my hand, I held a bloody knife.

‚Jared I didn’t want… I promised you.’ I said and lost consciousness.

‚Get the doctor, now!’ Jared shouted to nurse. ‚Annie, why did you do it, please don’t die.’ He stroked my hair.

A moment later the nurse ran with older doctor.

‚Oh my God, she lost too much blood, the wounds are deep. Can you help me? We don’t have a time.’ The doctor looked at Jared. They took me in their arms and laid on the bed. ‚To the treatment room with her and call the support.’ He shouted to nurse and they went. Jared ran behind them.

‚You have to stay here, son.’ Doctor turned to Jared.

‚Does she die?’ Jared asked, loudly swallowing saliva.

‚Pray for her,’ he added and closed the door.

“You can’t die Annie, you can’t” He leaned against the wall and repeated it like mantra. He looked at the slightly bloodstained clothes and hands but he didn’t want to move away from the door. Half an hour was like eternity. In this time, a lot of people were entering and exiting and all of them smiling in a friendly way to him. Finally, an older doctor stood in the doorway.

‚Don’t worry my friend, she is safe. Who are you to her?’

‚I’m just friend,’ Jared said. He wanted to cry with happiness. ‚Can I stay with her?’

The doctor looked at him and smiled.

‚Yes, sure.’

‚Thank you doctor,’ Jared said gratefully.

‚You’re welcome. We have to call her parents.’ He sighed and went to the office.

Jared was in my room all night. I slept with a drip in my arms. Both of my forearms were bandaged. I woke up at eight, whole body aching. I saw that Jared slept on a chair with his head on my bed. When I moved he woke up.

‚Hi Annie, how do you feel?’ He asked me.

‚I’m sore.’ I replied. ‚Thank you for rescue me.’ I added. ‚I swear I didn’t want to do it, I swear.’ I started crying.

‚I know Annie, please don’t cry.’ He kissed my hand.

‚I feel, that I failed you and Eve…’

‚It’s not true, you shouldn’t feel guilty. It’s our fault.’ Jared interrupted me.

A moment later a nurse came into my room.

‚Good morning Ann, how do you feel? I have a new drip for you,’ she smiled. ‚Your parents are coming,’ she added, changed the drip and went.

‚Now, I feel worse.’ I murmured.

‚Don’t worry, that’s good, we have to talk with them,’ Jared said.

‚About what?’ I asked surprised.

‚Mum and me want to take you to our house. What a pity that mum is not here.’ He sighed and in this moment the door was opened and Eve stood there.

‚Ann, Jared, are you all right? What’s happen with your forearms?’ She asked frightened.

‚Hi mum, it is okay now. Did you get a taxi?’

‚Yes, I can’t sleep, I thought, that something was wrong. What happened! Ann tell me immediately!’ She was very upset.

I started talking… and crying, there was so much emotion. Jared sat down on my bed and hugged me.

‚Cheeky sod,’ Eve murmured when I finished. ‚I didn’t know, that he was so strong and so determined. You won the fight, but not the war.’ She said, ‚You should leave the hospital and live with us. I have to protect you.

‚It’s not so easy,’ I replied. ‚I have to go to a centre for people like me, I don’t have any money so, I have to leave school and find a job. I don’t want to bother you, you are great and you have done more for me, than my parents for the last three years…’ At the same time my parents were coming to my room.

‚Ann, what happened?’ Mother asked very upset. ‚Who are these people?’ Jared still sat on my bed.

‚These are my friends, Jared and Eve. Everything is all right, you don’t have to come,’ I sighed.

‚It’s not all right if you tried to kill yourself! You want to stand out, do something clever!’ My father shouted. ‚Excuse me, can you leave this room? We want to talk with our daughter.’ He turned to Jared and Eve.

‚No way,’ Jared shook his head and was still sitting.

‚Jared come with me,’ Eve said. ‚Ann, we will be outside,’ she added and left .

‚At the door.’ Jared kissed my hair and left as well. The door was still open.

‚Who are these people? We don’t know them,’ mother said.

‚What do you know about me? Nothing, so it’s not surprising, that you don’t know my friends.’ I replied.

‚You should come back home and stop this childishness. We are sick of your behaviour!’ Father was really upset.

‚I’ll eat my hat if I go back home!’ I shouted.

Father shut the door.

‚Do you think that you are so smart?’ He said sarcastically. ‚Where will you live? Who will give you money?’

‚It’s not your business! It’s my life and I don’t want to live with you! Leave me alone!’ I shouted and started crying. I wasn’t as strong as I thought.

‚Stupid child,’ my mother sighed and hugged me. ‚I and dad will try to forgive you and everything will be as usual,’ She smiled.

‚No, no!’ I shouted and pushed her. ‚I don’t want to see you, get out!’ I pointed at the door, but I was still crying.

The door opened and Jared came in.

‚Enough,’ he said.

‚Mind your own business!’ My father was really angry, but thank God, smaller than Jared. They were standing opposite each other.

‚You are wrong,’ Eve stood in the doorway. ‚Your daughter needs help and I can help her. My name is Eve Davies, I am a therapist. I would like to take her to my house and heal her.’

‚Oh really,’ my father said sarcasm. ‚She isn’t ill, she only wants to destroy our family. This is her purpose.’

Jared came to me, sat on my bed and embraced me. I hid in his arms.

‚It’s your point of view,’ Eve was very patient, Jared was angry. ‚We would like to take her from hospital if you agree.’

‚We?’ My mother asked.

‚Me and my son,’ Eve pointed to Jared.

‚Are you looking for a girlfriend for you boy?’ My father still was sarcastic.

Jared sprang out of the bed, and stood in front of my father. I have never seen him so furious.

‚Listen asshole, you are so stupid, that you probably don’t understand…

‚Jared!’ Eve interrupted him. ‚Do not stoop to his level, it is not worth.’

I got up and stood in front of my parents… with a drip in my arm.

‚Mum, dad, do you remember our school magazine that I wrote for sometimes?’ I asked.

‚Yes’ mum said.

‚If you don’t agree to anything that Eve suggests, I will describe my story in this magazine. With names and all details. Thank you for meeting, it’s finished, go home without me.’

‚It’s your last chance.’ My mum was very upset, but she tried to save face. ‚If you decide to leave your family home, and be a charwoman for these people, you can’t come back.’

‚Okay,’ I agree. ‚I prefer to be a charwoman for them, than a slave for you.’

‚Stupid child.’ My mum sighed and came out. Dad came with her. Without a “good bye.”

I slumped to the floor, Jared caught me at the last minute.

‚Hey Annie, you were very brave,’ he put me on the bed. ‚You have to rest now.’ He kissed my forehead.

‚Thank you, but I can’t live with you,’ I said drowsily.

‚We’ll talk about it later.’ He smiled and I fell asleep.

When I woke up Jared was sitting on a chair and looking at me.

‚Hello Annie,’ he smiled. ‚You look so sweet when you are sleeping.’

‚Hi, thanks,’ I replied my face red. ‚Where is Eve?’

‚She had to go home. We talked with the doctor and he agreed to release you in two days, but on one condition, you have to live with Eve.’ He explained. ‚And obviously, no more pills,’ he added.

‚It’s not fair,’ I shook my head. ‚I can’t live in your house, I don’t have any money, I have nothing!’ I was very upset.

‚Shhhh.’ He put his finger on my lips. ‚I understand that you want to be independent, but first you must be healthy, then we will see, okay.’

I sighed. I knew, he was right. I wasn’t healthy. I felt, that Billy was with me all the time. I didn’t want to worry Jared and Eve, but I felt that he wanted me back.

‚Jared,’ I said after while.

‚Yes sugar,’ he said and I was red in the face again. I hoped I got used to the presence of Jared, his words and gestures to me.

‚Tell me your story about drugs,’ I asked.

This time he sighed.

‚Okay, maybe it’s a good time. I had a friend Jerry, we grew up together and we were like brothers. When we were fifteen, we started to smoke marijuana. Earlier, we tried cigarettes… I liked cigarettes, but Jerry didn’t, he was looking hard drugs. After drugs we saw wild animals and talking plants and we were really very happy. Then we took ecstasy and were much better than earlier. It was longer and funnier. My parents knew that I took drugs and they tried to explain to me how dangerous they were, but I didn’t want to listen. We ran away from our homes and slept on the streets. It was a great adventure for us. My father found us, when we were dirty and stoned and took us home. Jerry only had a mother, his father had died when he was ten. Anyway, we went back home and had to suffer the penalty. I was grounded for meeting with Jerry. I have endured a month without Jerry and drugs, but one night he came to my house and threw a little stone at my window. I went to him and we went to his cellar. He had white powder in a small pocket. He had a needle and syringe, as well. I was always afraid of needles and it saved me. Jerry took the pocket and injected himself into the vein. First he laughed and said that was great, but then he told me that “Dark Knights” were coming to him, and he went to their castle. Then he started shouting so loud that he wanted to go back, and finally, he stopped breathing. I ran to his mother and then my parents, but Jerry was dead. Everybody was crying we couldn’t believe this. After the funeral, my mother asked me did I want to know where was Jerry now? I really wanted to know and she made me do something similar to regression and I saw this castle and dark knights behind. She just said, that I couldn’t go inside because it was a trap and one way ticket. When I came back she asked me if I wanted the same way like Jerry. If no, then I had to finish with drugs… and I finished. This is my sad story my sweet Annie.’ Jared ended story.

‚A very sad, and very instructive.’ I stroked his cheek. He took my hand and kissed it inside. Then he stroked my forearm.

‚Never, ever more I won’t permit you to do something like this’ He said firmly.

I was red in the face, again. His touch was so.. so.. incredible.

‚You should go home, you are very tired,’ I changed the subject.

‚No chance,’ he smiled. ‚You can’t stay alone, not today and not in this place. I will be with you all the time.’

‚I can’t agree,’ I shook my head.

‚It’s your right, but no one asked you,’ he laughed.

‚I’m worry about you,’ I sighed.

‚You shouldn’t. I’m happy, that I can look after you.’ He kissed my hand… again.

‚I’m happy, too,’ I said drowsily. ‚I feel so safe with you,’ I added and fell asleep.

Two days later I could leave the hospital. It was afternoon, I was almost ready, I had my normal clothes, Jared went to see the doctor and my sister came to me.

‚Hi Ann, how are you?’

‚Hi Daisy, I’m okay. I’m leaving the hospital. Do you want something?’ I asked kindly.

‚I just want to know, can I have your room?’ She asked embarrassed.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise.

‚Dad wants to make an office of your room, but I like your room and I’d rather to live there,’ she said.

‚Okay, it’s yours,’ I shrugged my shoulders.

‚Our parents are very angry with you, but I think it’s good that you leave our house,’ she said and Jared stood in the doorway and listened. ‚You don’t fit to the family, I think it’s better for you and for us.

‚Thank you Daisy for your honesty.’ I sighed. I didn’t know what I should think about this.

‚Our parents want your new address. They want to send you your items,’ she continued.

‚Tell your parents, that I will collect all her items on Saturday,’ Jared entered to the room.

Daisy looked at him and her face turned red.

“Good reaction,” I laughed to myself.

‚Okay, I’ll do it. I have to go. Bye,’ Daisy said and went out.

‚Are you ready?’ Jared asked but looked at me very carefully.

‚Yes, I’m ready,’ I smiled and we went to my new home.

‚Jared show Ann her bedroom, dinner will be in five minutes.’ Eve was very busy, she was cooking. ‚I’m sorry, hi Ann, how do you feel?’ She came to me and kissed my cheek.

‚I’m okay, but we have to talk about my living with you,’ I felt embarrassed.

‚Tomorrow. Today you are our guest, tomorrow you will be a part of the household and you’ll wash the dishes.’ She winked at me and came back to the kitchen. I smiled in reply.

‚Come with me Ann,’ Jared held out his hand to me. I gave him my hand and we went upstairs.

My bedroom was very big and very nice. I loved it on sight.

‚It’s beautiful,’ I whispered.

‚That’s good that you like it,’ Jared laughed.

‚My bedroom is next door… if you need something, you can just shout,’ he smiled, went out and closed the door.

I was so happy, but I had a lot of doubts. What now? How will I live? Why Jared doesn’t kiss me any more? When does Billy come back? Is my self harming definitely past? I had more and more questions but I didn’t have time to think about this. I had to go to dinner. After it, Jared went somewhere and Eve and I started talking about me, about my past and my parents. I didn’t want to have secrets, I told her everything. Jared came back about nine and I decided to go to sleep. I was very tired and depressed because of Jared. I didn’t know what he felt about me, he treated me like a younger sister or daughter. I was so unhappy, that I went to the bathroom and then to the bed. On my bedside table stood a lit white candle. A few hours later a familiar voice woke me up.

‚Annie, wake up my sweet Annie,’ he whispered. ‚I’m still waiting for you.’

‚Go away Billy,’ I said quietly. ‚It’s finished, I want to be with Jared.’

Billy snorted.

‚Your Jared doesn’t want you. He only has a sense of guilt because of his friend Jerry. This is the reason, that he helps you. Your parents don’t want you as well. Do you remember what your sister said? Open your eyes, only I want you, just me, no one else. You belong to me. We belong to each other. It’s our destiny, you can’t change this.’

I started crying because I understood that he had right.

‚Annie, don’t cry baby, I love you and I am for you. We have to do it tonight, you know about it.’ He was so patient, stroked and kissed my hair. ‚Go to the kitchen and take a knife. You must be really quiet.’

I hesitated.

‚No Billy, not today,’ I said firmly.

‚Do it now, bitch!’ He shouted and his face changed. He wasn’t friendly, he was horrific.

I started shouting but he took my head and squeezed it, I couldn’t shout I felt that I was losing my breath. ‚I’ll kill you bitch, you are mine.’

And at that moment when I gave up, I felt someone shook me and heard Jared’s voice.

‚Ann wake up, Ann!’ He shouted very loudly.

I started to come back to reality. When I woke up I was sweaty, crying and terrified. I opened my eyes and I saw Jared… he was very upset.

‚Jared, he was here,’ I said.

‚It’s all right, I am here now, everything is okay.’ He took me on his knees and hugged me.

He was without a t-shirt, I hugged him and smelt his body. I felt so safe in his arms.

‚I’m sorry,’ I whispered ashamed.

‚Everything is all right,’ he replied and kissed my hair.

‚Jared, Billy said that you have a sense of guilt because of Jerry and that is the reason that you help me,’ I said and looked at him.

‚It’s not true,’ he smiled. ‚I thought, that you felt it.’

‚I feel… I… I’m not sure what you feel,’ I said.

Jared stroked my face and smiled. Then he kissed me on my lips, very gently and passionately.

I fell silent and sighed very deeply. I can’t tell what happened then, it was personal too much. But I remembered everything. I closed my eyes and I saw this moment, our first night, first sex, first “I love you.”

I opened my eyes, I’m not sure how long they had been closed, but I didn’t care. It was the most beautiful moment in my life. I looked at Jared, he stood at the end of the hall. He smiled and blew me a kiss.

Anyway, the next day it all became clear. I asked Eve to make me a regress. She agreed and we did it. It was like meditation but deeper. My question was, why did I feel that I shouldn’t be here? And the answer was very surprising. During that regress I was in big, white room with other people… or souls, it didn’t matter. There was Jared, Eve, Lucy, my friend from primary school, my two teachers from primary school, my neighbours from the previous house and many, many souls who I hadn’t met yet. But my family wasn’t in this room. The problem was, because I had said that I didn’t want to go back to earth and my guides couldn’t force me, so they decided to send all souls onto earth and I was alone. I was bored, so they proposed that I can go to my friends. And in this way I was born in the family who felt that we didn’t fit together. And this was the reason that I can’t live with them and I started self harming. I hadn’t got a consciousness as to what happened with me. When I met Jared everything started to sort itself. Jared and Eve were my soul mates. I knew, that I stayed with them forever. Sometimes, I saw my old family in the town, but we never talked. And what about Billy? He stopped coming when Jared was with me, but when he had to go on concert or somewhere, Billy came back. I had to sleep with Eve in the same room, because I was scared that he wanted to kill me. It lasted a year and for the whole of this year I worked with Eve… it was very hard and cleansing. Today, is the tenth anniversary when I stopped cutting my body.

Now, I know who I am and what I want from my life. I told you my story on this Tenth annual meeting of psychiatrists and alternative therapists in Birmingham, because it’s very important for all people. You have to talk with your patients, you have to recognize the problem, you can’t give them pills because it’s the easiest way, you can’t! This is your responsibility, you are killing these people because they are losing themselves! Even if they are living, they will be just robots.

I know that my story is unbelievable, but it happened. Think about this, when the next time a man knocks on your door who is self harming, or hearing voices, or have any problems.

My name is Ann Davies and this was my confession. I am a wife, mother and daughter, but I am a psychiatrist and alternative therapist as well. I won my life and I think all people deserve a chance. Thank you for your attention.

In the hall there was thunderous applause, everyone stood up. When Ann came down from the podium, Jared was waiting for her.

‚I’m proud of you,’ he whispered in her ear.

‚Thank you for everything.’ She looked in his eyes.

‚I love you,’ he said and kissed her.

‚I love you more,’ she was thinking.

The end

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